Hi my dear baba,
I finally finished the painting that you watched me started it. It took me longer that I anticipated. It’s a painting, which went through a tornado of thoughts and emotions and understanding of you and me. I am not going to say this painting is dedicated to my dad or surprise you at your birthday with a big canvas with an image of our lives on it.
I don’t own my paintings. I’m more of a custodian. What I own, what makes me creating them is a life, which has concerned you and your big heart.
How I wish the word love weren’t so elusive and had a clear sense to it. It’s like one says rose and everyone thinks of a different kind of rose. Then I would say that your love made me create. So please think deeply when you read this:
“ Your love made me responsible to create – gave me a reason to hope for future ”
There are so many things that I don’t know about you. I realized it when I thought of having a child. I realized that there are turning points, little moments and grand memories in my life that I even won’t have time to share with my child.
Or worse, I won’t share it to protect him/her. I realized there is part of you that I don’t know. I know that part of you after your first child’s birth, after I was born, after you became a dad. It was a fresh start to create a new you. There was a new life getting shaped knowing you as she took her first breath.
Painting a painting about us made me realized that it’s true that I don’t know what I don’t know before my life was started but I feel it. I own it. It’s my life. It’s saved and protected in my biological memory. It’s in your tune when you call my name. It’s in your hands and mom’s embraces. It’s in my sister’s bright eyes and big smiles. I am a grown up now. You are safe with me. I am safe with you. You don’t need to be so cautious about protecting me. Feel free and let everything be out …
I don’t know if my child asks me the same thing how I would react. How I would be a complete me not someone who became a mom one day after his/her birth. I don’t know …
But feel free
and honor your big heart
Your child, Niloufar
On a good day in summer of 2013